Balance

Boy was I deluded.  I thought that balance and having life somewhat figured out was something that came with age.  Let me explain.  Spoiler alert: If you don't want to hear complaining than you may want to skip this post.

I thought for the longest time that the deepest desire of my heart was to be a stay-at-home mom.  To wake up every morning and make my children a nutritious and wonderfully delicious breakfast.  We would laugh and joke before heading out on one of the day's many exciting and fulfilling excursions. We would return home in the afternoon whereupon my kids would take a synchronized nap whilst I read up on world politics before making a fantastically complex dinner for my hubby.  We would lovingly bathe and put our spawn to bed and spend the evening chatting about our day while I made muffins for the next day.

What my day actually looks like?  I couldn't tell you, because most days are pretty different around here.  With Liam we could practically set our watch by his schedule.  However, after five months with Ansley we still don't have an exact schedule.  Except that she naps several times a day and wants between 5-6 bottles and two meals.  Liam and I make our best attempts to keep to a normal schedule. I usually have to corral him to eat breakfast/change out of pajamas/brush his teeth.  Then I have to bribe him with the promise of juice to have story time and the promise of a snack to have some sort of "art" time.  Sometimes we will throw in a trip to the library or park depending on how much I think I can control him. During his "quiet time" (he no longer naps), I usually expend available energy trying to get him to stay quiet for Ansley's nap.  I should also mention that I let him watch an episode of Curious George or Calliou if I am performing a task that requires a "babysitter" such as cleaning up a massive spill or getting laundry folded.  Did I mention how awesome it is to watch the same movie/hear the same song over and over and over again because it is your toddlers favorite? Then I count the hours down until Eric returns home (sometimes with dinner somewhat prepped, but more often than not, not even started).  So there.  I have put out all my cards on the table.

Being a stay-at-home mom is hard.  And while it is rewarding and I love my children more than life itself, I think I had built up a rainbows and unicorns type of existence in my head.  To top it off, I think I had the cockiness that comes from being able to manage a single child.  Thinking that I was a great parent that could balance it all.  But the reality is that having two kids changes everything.  And I mean everything.  I didn't realize the amount of guilt that I would have at not feeling like I could meet both of my kids needs all the time.  Butting heads with a willful toddler doesn't help.  Did I mention that I had to hold a crying Ansley while having my annual women's exam?  And that I had to again hold her while having a cavity filled today?  I know that it is not Christian to say, but I secretly (or maybe not so secretly) envy those parents that seem like they have everything under control.  They lead a Pintrest type existence, whereas I definitely do not.

I realize that I am blabbering on about a whole lot of nothing and I apologize, but I guess that I just have a lot going on in my old noggin. I am trying my hardest to enjoy this season in my life and to realize that just because it is not how I had pictured it doesn't mean that it is any less special.  I will continue to work to find balance in my life and to remind myself that the grass isn't always greener on the other side...perhaps just a different shade of green.

Liam less than thrilled that I am forcing him to sit in the stroller for an obligatory walk.